The Randy Prince Philip

Most of the Disney Princesses – Aurora, Cinderella, Ariel, Belle, Pocahontas, Jasmine, and Snow White – always come with a matching dashing prince (although in Pocahontas’ case, she had a dashing young captain).

Out of all of these princes, Prince Philip has always been my ideal. Prince Charming (in Cinderella’s and Snow White’s case) was not only a two-timer; he also had no personality at all. Prince Eric was not my idea of what a prince was – he was dingy and liked to dress up in long white sleeved shirts and boots. Aladdin, although obviously acrobatic is really nothing more than an exhibitionist beggar who likes parading his body around (normally I would like this), but he has a rather huge nose. Honestly, I was turned on more by the Sultan’s guards! John Smith, aside from not being a prince, but rather a captain, has great hair, I can’t dispute that. But whenever I watch Pocahontas, I feel as if I’d rather be gang raped by the horny Indian Braves. Beast was a gigantic pussy. Which leads us back to Prince Philip – he not only has great fashion sense, he has a freakin’ lithe body – smooth, lean and hungry!

Yes, I had a crush on Prince Philip since I was 8 years old. I dreamed that he, along with Captain Planet and Wheeler and Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme, would break into the confines of my large creepy house and take me away. (When I was this age, I thought all you did was kiss, and I did want to kiss Dolph and Jean-Claude’s muscles!)

Anyway, my younger sisters were watching the Disney Channel earlier this evening, when Sleeping Beauty was shown. It was during this viewing of the film that I realized the true character of my childhood crush – he was a regular rake, a Casanova, a horny bastard who not only charmed the ladies but wanted to take sexual advantage of them.

Let’s examine the situation: We have our young innocent maiden – raised in a forest by three odd aunts for 16 years – in TOTAL isolation lest the evil Maleficent hear about her. I doubt she has ever seen a man, nor talked to one. Then we have the worldly Philip, looking great on his steed, obviously an expert huntsman rushing by the forest to reach the Kingdom where he will meet his promised bride for the very first time. So what does he do along the way? Get side-tracked by some peasant-girl singing. And come on, telling a young innocent peasant lass, “Oh! But I met you, upon a dream!” and glibly taking her hand!? What a randy bastard!

Heck, even Maleficent wants a piece of him! I sure knew how to pick them as a kid! :P

Even David Beckham wants to be Prince Philip! To quote his wife, Victoria "David’s Package is Real. ... It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"

Need I say more?