Out There

I finally told my mom I was gay tonight, and I would like to thank everybody for helping me in this journey to get parental acceptance, yes, no matter how annoying you are, you actually helped somehow, and I only say this sometimes in my life, THANK YOU.

So yes, this post will be long. It was unexpected, she broached it out of the blue, she told me that I could tell her anything and she was obviously going towards my sexuality.

Yes, Mom. I’m Gay.

She cried. She asked what went wrong. And there went the weirdest 3 hours of my life. Our discussion touched every topic of my life. My friends. My loves. My beliefs. It touched who I am.

It was a good thing I knew who I am, and I believe I broached it to her that I am comfortable with myself and my homosexuality, and that, in contrast to my High School and early College self, I have found peace with myself.

To my sisters, I hate you for telling mom and dad about my “crisis” – this just means that they knew about it looong ago, since that “identity crisis” occurred way back. Of course, it was actually just a front to get you off my back, but in a sense, it readied mom for this.

To Kuya, for not talking. You were the only one who kept it to himself, I think. The other two couldn’t.

To the Ateneo, for giving me Theology and Philosophy. I used a lot of the useless crap I learned in Theology to defend myself tonight. My mom’s religious and my knowing the theological defense for homosexuality went a long way in helping her accept it (I think). I also told her that Jesus’ message was one of love. Philosophy taught me to reason – may use ang lahat ng mga orals na yan sa buhay. It taught me to project myself with confidence.

To my High School, you not only gave me the best friends a gay could have, but you also thought me how to think scientifically. I defended myself using a biological perspective tonight, “It’s all hormones and pheromones, no matter how hard you wish it to change, it won’t.”

To M., you asked annoying questions when you learned I was gay. It helped somehow. To L., you may be black and homophobic, but you dealt with it. :P To J., you’re an idiot, but I blatantly used you tonight, telling mom all about my straight kabarkada and how THEY dealt with it, specifically you, J., coz I told her, “Si J. nga, he wanted me to undergo hypnosis treatment!” Yes, Mom said sana you straight assholes where her kids na lang. But I told her, “Eh this is who I am, and if you do not accept it, I am sorry!” She thought about it.

To Dear Daisy, Fat Muffins, JarJar, darbie, hellhoe and Lost Girl, thanks for being there, you were my “straight friends” who understood me and “they promised not to tell anyone and keep it to themselves. Ayoko din naman na kumalat no.” Of course I know you told some people. But I also know that you somehow kept it to yourselves din. :P

To the guys who know I'm gay but don't give a shit about it, :P thanks for not giving a shit about it. You know who you guys are.

To Wikipedia, the news, and all the brave gay guys out there, for making me realize that I’m not a freak. That I’m a guy who likes guys and that’s what I am no matter what anybody says

To E! YES, YOU! I told Mom ALL ABOUT YOU! HA! She started talking about her fears about HIV, and I said I have a friend who has HIV, in fact it’s a superstrain, and I told her that you started working in NGOs and stuff and your advocacies.

To Loud and MH and Datu and Mugen and E again, for being my homosexual (EVEN YOU LOUD) sounding boards. :P A fag needs fag friends too, he cannot live on straight people alone.

To the Civetic One, Mom knew about you. Apparently one of my sisters talked about you already, madalas ka kasi dito sa bahay. I used you too. I told her about your mom and how shes trying to reconcile her faith with her love for you.

To Dad, for, well… I think you removed a lot of my effeminate tendencies. J Hahaha. I remember you teaching me to not be limp-wristed. I’m sorry I lied to you when you confronted me last December, but I was afraid and it was biglaan. Of course I’d deny it.

To Mom, for being understanding and at least for listening to me. You are not to blame, I told you that tonight, neither you nor daddy. I believe that homosexuality is something you’re born with not something that the environment influences you towards (although it’s arguable). It went a lot better then it did. You got mad because I didn’t tell you about it earlier and cause I didn’t ask for help. I think that my being like this is something I needed to deal with on my own. You told me it’s wrong, against God’s will, etcetera, etcetera, but you listened to what I have to say. You know, I would have run away If you confronted me about this when I was younger. I could have committed suicide. I told you that I already had an “escape plan” in case you found out. At least you listened. And in the end, I hope you understood.

The night ended well I think.

It’s hard for a gay guy to tell his parents that he is gay.

It’s hard for a parent to accept it too.

I cried tonight. YES THAT’S HARD TO BELIEVE. It took awhile, Mom cried kaagad, right when I told her, the confirmation. It took me longer to do it, but I did too.

I’m out of the closet to the people I hold dear in the world, there’s nothing else I can do but wait and see what the new day has to offer.

Strangely, as I'm closing this blogpost and preparing for sleep, Eminem pops out in my mind.

"I'm sorry mama, never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry but tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet."

Apparently, even a fag like me can relate with straight homophobic white rappers.