Mr. Scrooge's Job Hunting Rules

WARNING GRADUATES:

There are many dingy, seedy companies prowling the web in search of peons such as yourselves! Searching for jobs on Jobstreet, I myself have seen the many horrible companies out there waiting for fresh young meat to make money from!

Hence I present these rules which I shall not break (I hope), with accompanying postings courtesy of JobStreet.

1. Read the Job Title

Ever Gotesco Malls Group of Companies

MARKETING ASSISTANT/HEAD PROJECTIONIST
(National Capital Reg)

Responsibilities:

• Responsible for set-up of equipment
• Responsible for rectifying equipment breakdown
• Responsible for the showing of the movie/presentation
• Works with public/customers as appropriate
• Performs other management mandated functions

2. READ YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION

Janitor
(National Capital Reg)

Responsibilities:

• Serve tea, coffee to staff and participants of workshops/seminars/meetings
• Change aqua galloons
• Clean / dust workstations and other furniture
• Maintain crockery / culteries / appliances in a clean condition
• Fix tables and chairs for big events / meetings
• Keep pantry / staff room, and store clean and tidy at all times
• Help set-up new workstation
• Photocopy, bind, cut paper etc..
• Perform administrative functions as and when required

3. Read the Job Requirements

Marketing Executive Assistant
(National Capital Reg)

Responsibilities:

• Assist the VP of marketing
• Admin work
• Accept office calls/ client calls
• Pose as a model for the youtube videos of products

Requirements:

• Female 18-30 yrs old
• Candidate must possess at least a Bachelor's/College Degree , Post Graduate Diploma / Master's Degree, Professional License (Passed Board/Bar/Professional License Exam), Post Graduate Diploma / Master's Degree, Marketing, Business Studies/Administration/Management, Mass Communications, Advertising/Media, Commerce or equivalent.
• Required skill(s): Good communication skills, Pleasing personality, Good looking (for youtube demo`s), Computer literate.
• Required language(s): English
• Fresh graduates/Entry level applicants are encouraged to apply.
• Full-Time positions available.

4. No Company Website = No Go. Bad Company Website… uhh… eew.

This nice company posted this ad online for copywriters. http://ph.jobstreet.com/jobs/2009/4/default/80/2096711.htm?fr=J

I almost clicked the button, but first I stalked their website.

Dyll Communications is a full service advertising agency that holds the butterfly as its inspiration. Bursting out of its chrysalis early in 2004, Dyll has since churned out a steady stream of high impact tri-media campaigns and 360 activations. Our aim each time we flutter our wings is to have the market feel our campaigns' impact -- 360 degrees.

Our Mission

To take our clients beyond where they can get to themselves

Our Vision

Our logo is the butterfly -- to symbolize how we aim to keep work -- and how it affects our lives -- a Dyll-ightful experience

Contact Information

As a virtual company, we do flutter about most of the time. But you can contact us at the Dyll Cocoon where we always touch down.

Yes. They badly need copywriters. http://web.tri-isys.com/dyllcom/dyllcom.htm

5. Bad Grammar. Bad Company.

Online Marketing Staffs
(National Capital Reg)

Responsibilities:

· We are looking for new graduates who have interest working on the web by means of social sites (facebook, myspace, tagged, etc), updating websites, ads postings, keyword research, website submission, link building, editing and optimizing webpages.

Yes. Staffs indeed.

MircoSourcing Philippines Inc.

MicroSourcing is the outsourcing department of MaxLifestyle International Ltd. Through MicroSourcing we provide outsourcing and consulting services in the Philippines to multinational clients operating mostly in the internet, mobile and graphic design industries. Our offices in Eastwood City provide a professional, multinational and fun working environment and through our international clients you will gain the necessary knowledge and experience to strengthen your position in the global economy.

Proofreader
(National Capital Reg - Eastwood City, Libis)

YES KAILANGAN TALAGA.

6. Beware of Dingy Companies

ONLINE ENGLISH TEACHER - Winglish Phone Inc.

7. CHECK THE COMPANY LOCATION

Document Controller
(Tripoli, Libya)

Requirements:

• Candidate must possess at least a Bachelor's/College Degree in Business Studies/Administration/Management, Others or equivalent.
• Fresh graduates/Entry level applicants are encouraged to apply.
• Gender : Male

8. Bond = No Thank You.

Continuation of the Ad in #3:

Requirements:

- Graduates of summer 2009 only

- Not more than 22 years old

- No experience required, training will be provided

- Willing to sign a 2 year bond contract after training

- Excellent English Writing Skills (chat and email)

- Loves online research, working with websites

- Can work in shifting schedule (8am-5pm and 9pm-6am)

- No failed grades in college

- 10 full time positions

Yes, Online Marketing Staffs for the next two years.

9. Know how much you’re worth

HR Assistant

Universal Storefront Services Corporation (RCPI)

Industry : Banking / Finance
Specialization : Human Resources
Skills : Strong Personality, Leadership Skill, Can work Under Pressure

PHP 9000 - 10000

Now you guys know why I shall not get hired anytime soon.

The Randy Prince Philip

Most of the Disney Princesses – Aurora, Cinderella, Ariel, Belle, Pocahontas, Jasmine, and Snow White – always come with a matching dashing prince (although in Pocahontas’ case, she had a dashing young captain).

Out of all of these princes, Prince Philip has always been my ideal. Prince Charming (in Cinderella’s and Snow White’s case) was not only a two-timer; he also had no personality at all. Prince Eric was not my idea of what a prince was – he was dingy and liked to dress up in long white sleeved shirts and boots. Aladdin, although obviously acrobatic is really nothing more than an exhibitionist beggar who likes parading his body around (normally I would like this), but he has a rather huge nose. Honestly, I was turned on more by the Sultan’s guards! John Smith, aside from not being a prince, but rather a captain, has great hair, I can’t dispute that. But whenever I watch Pocahontas, I feel as if I’d rather be gang raped by the horny Indian Braves. Beast was a gigantic pussy. Which leads us back to Prince Philip – he not only has great fashion sense, he has a freakin’ lithe body – smooth, lean and hungry!

Yes, I had a crush on Prince Philip since I was 8 years old. I dreamed that he, along with Captain Planet and Wheeler and Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme, would break into the confines of my large creepy house and take me away. (When I was this age, I thought all you did was kiss, and I did want to kiss Dolph and Jean-Claude’s muscles!)

Anyway, my younger sisters were watching the Disney Channel earlier this evening, when Sleeping Beauty was shown. It was during this viewing of the film that I realized the true character of my childhood crush – he was a regular rake, a Casanova, a horny bastard who not only charmed the ladies but wanted to take sexual advantage of them.

Let’s examine the situation: We have our young innocent maiden – raised in a forest by three odd aunts for 16 years – in TOTAL isolation lest the evil Maleficent hear about her. I doubt she has ever seen a man, nor talked to one. Then we have the worldly Philip, looking great on his steed, obviously an expert huntsman rushing by the forest to reach the Kingdom where he will meet his promised bride for the very first time. So what does he do along the way? Get side-tracked by some peasant-girl singing. And come on, telling a young innocent peasant lass, “Oh! But I met you, upon a dream!” and glibly taking her hand!? What a randy bastard!

Heck, even Maleficent wants a piece of him! I sure knew how to pick them as a kid! :P

Even David Beckham wants to be Prince Philip! To quote his wife, Victoria "David’s Package is Real. ... It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"

Need I say more?

Out There

I finally told my mom I was gay tonight, and I would like to thank everybody for helping me in this journey to get parental acceptance, yes, no matter how annoying you are, you actually helped somehow, and I only say this sometimes in my life, THANK YOU.

So yes, this post will be long. It was unexpected, she broached it out of the blue, she told me that I could tell her anything and she was obviously going towards my sexuality.

Yes, Mom. I’m Gay.

She cried. She asked what went wrong. And there went the weirdest 3 hours of my life. Our discussion touched every topic of my life. My friends. My loves. My beliefs. It touched who I am.

It was a good thing I knew who I am, and I believe I broached it to her that I am comfortable with myself and my homosexuality, and that, in contrast to my High School and early College self, I have found peace with myself.

To my sisters, I hate you for telling mom and dad about my “crisis” – this just means that they knew about it looong ago, since that “identity crisis” occurred way back. Of course, it was actually just a front to get you off my back, but in a sense, it readied mom for this.

To Kuya, for not talking. You were the only one who kept it to himself, I think. The other two couldn’t.

To the Ateneo, for giving me Theology and Philosophy. I used a lot of the useless crap I learned in Theology to defend myself tonight. My mom’s religious and my knowing the theological defense for homosexuality went a long way in helping her accept it (I think). I also told her that Jesus’ message was one of love. Philosophy taught me to reason – may use ang lahat ng mga orals na yan sa buhay. It taught me to project myself with confidence.

To my High School, you not only gave me the best friends a gay could have, but you also thought me how to think scientifically. I defended myself using a biological perspective tonight, “It’s all hormones and pheromones, no matter how hard you wish it to change, it won’t.”

To M., you asked annoying questions when you learned I was gay. It helped somehow. To L., you may be black and homophobic, but you dealt with it. :P To J., you’re an idiot, but I blatantly used you tonight, telling mom all about my straight kabarkada and how THEY dealt with it, specifically you, J., coz I told her, “Si J. nga, he wanted me to undergo hypnosis treatment!” Yes, Mom said sana you straight assholes where her kids na lang. But I told her, “Eh this is who I am, and if you do not accept it, I am sorry!” She thought about it.

To Dear Daisy, Fat Muffins, JarJar, darbie, hellhoe and Lost Girl, thanks for being there, you were my “straight friends” who understood me and “they promised not to tell anyone and keep it to themselves. Ayoko din naman na kumalat no.” Of course I know you told some people. But I also know that you somehow kept it to yourselves din. :P

To the guys who know I'm gay but don't give a shit about it, :P thanks for not giving a shit about it. You know who you guys are.

To Wikipedia, the news, and all the brave gay guys out there, for making me realize that I’m not a freak. That I’m a guy who likes guys and that’s what I am no matter what anybody says

To E! YES, YOU! I told Mom ALL ABOUT YOU! HA! She started talking about her fears about HIV, and I said I have a friend who has HIV, in fact it’s a superstrain, and I told her that you started working in NGOs and stuff and your advocacies.

To Loud and MH and Datu and Mugen and E again, for being my homosexual (EVEN YOU LOUD) sounding boards. :P A fag needs fag friends too, he cannot live on straight people alone.

To the Civetic One, Mom knew about you. Apparently one of my sisters talked about you already, madalas ka kasi dito sa bahay. I used you too. I told her about your mom and how shes trying to reconcile her faith with her love for you.

To Dad, for, well… I think you removed a lot of my effeminate tendencies. J Hahaha. I remember you teaching me to not be limp-wristed. I’m sorry I lied to you when you confronted me last December, but I was afraid and it was biglaan. Of course I’d deny it.

To Mom, for being understanding and at least for listening to me. You are not to blame, I told you that tonight, neither you nor daddy. I believe that homosexuality is something you’re born with not something that the environment influences you towards (although it’s arguable). It went a lot better then it did. You got mad because I didn’t tell you about it earlier and cause I didn’t ask for help. I think that my being like this is something I needed to deal with on my own. You told me it’s wrong, against God’s will, etcetera, etcetera, but you listened to what I have to say. You know, I would have run away If you confronted me about this when I was younger. I could have committed suicide. I told you that I already had an “escape plan” in case you found out. At least you listened. And in the end, I hope you understood.

The night ended well I think.

It’s hard for a gay guy to tell his parents that he is gay.

It’s hard for a parent to accept it too.

I cried tonight. YES THAT’S HARD TO BELIEVE. It took awhile, Mom cried kaagad, right when I told her, the confirmation. It took me longer to do it, but I did too.

I’m out of the closet to the people I hold dear in the world, there’s nothing else I can do but wait and see what the new day has to offer.

Strangely, as I'm closing this blogpost and preparing for sleep, Eminem pops out in my mind.

"I'm sorry mama, never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry but tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet."

Apparently, even a fag like me can relate with straight homophobic white rappers.